You will be missed... Ma Ma

i woke up around 11am today... the day was a bit cloudy.
i was a bit busy sending emails to my lecturer, and i received a call from my brother.
it was 2.16 pm, and i was thinking why my brother call me at that time.
brother said dad called him just now. it was about my ma-ma (babysitter), she passed away...
few days ago mom did told me about her illness. both her kidneys were already failed to function and her legs were swelling. so when i go back to Kuantan during sem break she'll bring me to meet ma-ma again.
i thought she could wait a little bit longer until i go back. now that ma-ma left, i feel a bit sad, as i haven't seen her for the last time. dad said she'll be buried in Kelantan, so i hope i could go and pay respect when i visit Kelantan.

my ma-ma took care of me since i was very little, two years old i guess. we had a lot of fun and one of the strongest memory i had with her was this funny scene. she asked me and my younger brother to drink and do the gulp sound. she demonstrated it to us. i also remember my brother used to shit in his pants, but she didn't scold us, instead she talked to us nicely. she's a really nice woman, i don't remember any time that she got angry actually... such a sweet lady.

This is my ma-ma and the happy me :D

after ma-ma stop taking care of us and went back to Kelantan, i haven't seen her for a long long time. i couldn't get used to going kindergarten and i cried every morning. she just made me feel so safe, and fun staying home. my mom and ma-ma's daughters said i was the apple of her eyes as she didn't have any granddaughter yet that time. she sayang me so much! all these pictures when i was young were taken from her album that she kept it with her all the time.

mom told me that ma-ma was a bit sick during this year's CNY, and all of us went to visit her at ma-ma's daughter house. she was so happy and keep laughing non stop. and she brought out all the old pictures and joke about them (we used to be very naughty, and my bro was really fat) haha...

Ma-ma's little granddaughter has grown up!

this doll was made specially for me by ma-ma. i'm a blissful kid ain't i? the most precious gift from a person who doesn't have any bloodline with me. :)

ma-ma, i hope you're living in peace in heaven. and i will really miss you. thanks for taking care of me like my own grandmother :') I Love You!

To Mr. Inspiration

i just had something to say to you, but i don't know how to begin with, so i wrote it down instead...

in my life, there're some people who can really inspired me and influence me, and one of them is YOU... this is rare. well, not to say that i liked you before this so i think you inspired me, but it's because of your character itself that makes me inspired. i had no reason to tell you why i'm inspired by you, but i know some of the reasons i couldn't tell because it's about a guy who hurt me a lot in my life.

i was a girl who desperately wanting to be loved, and i was afraid to be lonely, still a lil bit like that till now though...i would do anything just to keep my partner happy, and i'll listened to him so that he could just stay by my side. but the more i did that, the more i felt like i was not being appreciated... and there came all the resentful feelings towards him, and i'll still go back to him somehow. feeling helpless... all because i'm afraid to be lonely...so i just listened to my EX.

many once told me this, "Hui Chien, just let him go, don't bother him anymore, don't contact him anymore" etc. it's easy to be said, but it's really hard to be done, just so you know... and i'm really scared coz i've been that way for few years! however, few months ago, i met you... things started to change... to a good side. (if it sounds to cliche i'm so sorry heehee)

i could somehow feel that your words are very motivating. the way you spoke is different, maybe you don't sound like you're blaming like others did. you've heard about all the problems i used to had with the EX, and what you really said that awakened me was the most annoying words i've ever heard in my life. you said something about what i did is not worth the value i had for myself something like that. i was really really angry at you, but i started to think back, maybe it's true... maybe i wasn't respecting myself all this while...

i used to be a happy girl, don't give a fuck on whatever people did, don't care about what people might think and i just love hanging out with my friends so much. and i've changed completely throughout that two years, that two dysfunctional years, because of a man. kinda disappointed with myself, for making myself fall into this state, but what's past is not going to be the future. still recovering from that memory.

i don't know whether you are reading this, but i really wanna thank you for waking me up. thank you for your influence. thank you for making me realize how high value i need to put for myself. don't know what will happen in the future but for now i'm gonna take control of myself. still feel a bit embarrassed though that you forced me to admit that i like you, i hated you for that. should never be so stupid to admit anything to you anymore, lesson learned, haha. i just hope we could hang out like we used to again, relaxing friendship time. just don't relate yourself to my ex again, i don't like you to remind me of him, and you guys are not the same person after all. :) miss you, inspirational friend.

pls don't forget about the scuba diving plan next year! i've been waiting for it for YEARS!!! weee!

Six Degrees of Separation maybe?

i've been moody these few days. no, these few weeks should be, since before my birthday. and i don't really know why. felt like i have something in my heart indescribable, something i wish to get, or solve, or find, I JUST DON'T KNOW. it's really hard to know the answer, like some sort of finding my soul bleerhhh don't know... or maybe i don't have enough chocolates lately? it's annoying to be in this state. can't move forward, can't move backward too... bet some people had experienced this feeling before, or maybe just me?

well, i came across this song today. it's from The Script. love this band because of the style they sing. well this song is a bit special. i don't usually check out a person/band's new song right after they released a news about their new songs, but this time, i just did. so i checked out the song, it is named "Six Degrees of Separation"  and it goes like the lyric below

You've read the books, 
You've watched the shows, 
What's the best way no one knows, yeah, 
Meditate, get hypnotized. 
Anything to take from your mind. 
But it won't go 

You're doing all these things out of desperation, 
Ohhh woah, 
You're going through six degrees of separation. 

You hit the drink, you take a toll 
Watch the past go up in smoke. 
Fake a smile, yeah, lie and say that, 
I'm better now than ever, and your life's okay 
Well it's not. No 
You're doing all these things out of desperation, 
Ohhh woah, 
You're going through six degrees of separation. 

First, you think the worst is a broken heart 
What's gonna kill you is the second part 
And the third, is when your world splits down the middle 
And fourth, you're gonna think that you fixed yourself 
Fifth, you see them out with someone else 
And the sixth, is when you admit that you may have messed up a little. 

(No, no, there ain't no help, it's every man for himself) 

You tell your friends, yeah, strangers too, 
Anyone'll throw an arm around you, yeah 
Tarot cards 
Gems and stones, 
Believing all that shit is gonna heal your soul. 
We'll it's not, no 

You're only doing things out of desperation, 
Ohhh woah, 
You're goin' through six degrees of separation. 

First, you think the worst is a broken heart 
What's gonna kill you is the second part 
And the third, Is when your world splits down the middle 
And fourth, you're gonna think that you fixed yourself 
Fifth, you see them out with someone else 
And the sixth, is when you admit that you may have messed up a little. 

No there's no starting over, 
Without finding closure, 
You'd take them back, 
No hesitation, 
That's when you know you've reached the sixth degree of separation 

No there's no starting over, 
Without finding closure, 
You'd take them back, 
No hesitation, 
That's when you know you've reached the sixth Degree of separation 

First, you think the worst is a broken heart 
What's gonna kill you is the second part 
And the third, Is when your world splits down the middle 
And fourth, you're gonna think that you fixed yourself 
Fifth, you see them out with someone else 
And the sixth, is when you admit that you may have messed up a little.

i don't know why, i feel like the lyrics are talking to me. maybe i do feel sad and pain and emotional all the time because i'm going through the six degree of separation? maybe i'm really doing things out of desperation? that's why i'm demanding something else from other people all the time? maybe it's a sign that i should not be desperate in many things in my life? especially in all my relationships? i saw this in Twitter yesterday, "If you aren't happy being single you will never be happy in a relationship. Get you own life and love it first, then share it." probably desperation is the root of all my problems. maybe i should just let go of certain things, bit by bit...

Better Together

i was bored, so i saw many people tweeting about this girl named Neelofa... don't really know who is she so i checked it on google. i went to her website, and i heard this song! it's a really nice song from Jack Johnson, the singer for Good People... haa this just made my day sweeter, as i already felt so happy that my favorite badminton player Dato' Lee Chong Wei is married! he looked so handsome and his wife Wong Mew Choo too, prettyyyyyyy! wish i am at their wedding now! HAPPY MARRIAGE LCW and WMC! 

祝你们百年好合，白头谐老！

let's listen to this song until we sleep tonight! :)

"Better Together"
There's no combination of words
I could put on the back of a postcard
No song that I could sing
But I can try for your heart, 
our dreams, and they are made out of real things
like a shoebox of photographs
with sepia-toned loving
Love is the answer
at least for most of the questions in my heart, like
Why are we here? And where do we go?
And how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy and
sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing, it's always better when we're together

Mmmm, It's always better when we're together
Yeah we'll look at the stars and we're together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah it's always better when we're together

And all of these moments
just might find their way into my dreams tonight,
But I know that theyll be gone
when the morning light sings
and brings new things
for tomorrow night you see
that theyll be gone too,
too many things I have to do
But if all of these dreams might find their way
into my day to day scene
I'd be under the impression
i was somewhere in between
With only two,
Just me and you,
Not so many things we got to do
or places we got to be
We'll sit beneath the mango tree, now,

Yeah It's always better when we're together
Mmmm, we're somewhere in between together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together

mmmmmmm

I believe in memories
they look so, so pretty when I sleep
Hey now, and when I wake up,
you look so pretty sleeping next to me
But there is not enough time,
There is no, no song I could sing
and there is no combination of words I could say
but I will still tell you one thing
We're Better together