To Mr. Inspiration

i just had something to say to you, but i don't know how to begin with, so i wrote it down instead...

in my life, there're some people who can really inspired me and influence me, and one of them is YOU... this is rare. well, not to say that i liked you before this so i think you inspired me, but it's because of your character itself that makes me inspired. i had no reason to tell you why i'm inspired by you, but i know some of the reasons i couldn't tell because it's about a guy who hurt me a lot in my life.

i was a girl who desperately wanting to be loved, and i was afraid to be lonely, still a lil bit like that till now though...i would do anything just to keep my partner happy, and i'll listened to him so that he could just stay by my side. but the more i did that, the more i felt like i was not being appreciated... and there came all the resentful feelings towards him, and i'll still go back to him somehow. feeling helpless... all because i'm afraid to be lonely...so i just listened to my EX.

many once told me this, "Hui Chien, just let him go, don't bother him anymore, don't contact him anymore" etc. it's easy to be said, but it's really hard to be done, just so you know... and i'm really scared coz i've been that way for few years! however, few months ago, i met you... things started to change... to a good side. (if it sounds to cliche i'm so sorry heehee)

i could somehow feel that your words are very motivating. the way you spoke is different, maybe you don't sound like you're blaming like others did. you've heard about all the problems i used to had with the EX, and what you really said that awakened me was the most annoying words i've ever heard in my life. you said something about what i did is not worth the value i had for myself something like that. i was really really angry at you, but i started to think back, maybe it's true... maybe i wasn't respecting myself all this while...

i used to be a happy girl, don't give a fuck on whatever people did, don't care about what people might think and i just love hanging out with my friends so much. and i've changed completely throughout that two years, that two dysfunctional years, because of a man. kinda disappointed with myself, for making myself fall into this state, but what's past is not going to be the future. still recovering from that memory.

i don't know whether you are reading this, but i really wanna thank you for waking me up. thank you for your influence. thank you for making me realize how high value i need to put for myself. don't know what will happen in the future but for now i'm gonna take control of myself. still feel a bit embarrassed though that you forced me to admit that i like you, i hated you for that. should never be so stupid to admit anything to you anymore, lesson learned, haha. i just hope we could hang out like we used to again, relaxing friendship time. just don't relate yourself to my ex again, i don't like you to remind me of him, and you guys are not the same person after all. :) miss you, inspirational friend.

pls don't forget about the scuba diving plan next year! i've been waiting for it for YEARS!!! weee!

Six Degrees of Separation maybe?

i've been moody these few days. no, these few weeks should be, since before my birthday. and i don't really know why. felt like i have something in my heart indescribable, something i wish to get, or solve, or find, I JUST DON'T KNOW. it's really hard to know the answer, like some sort of finding my soul bleerhhh don't know... or maybe i don't have enough chocolates lately? it's annoying to be in this state. can't move forward, can't move backward too... bet some people had experienced this feeling before, or maybe just me?

well, i came across this song today. it's from The Script. love this band because of the style they sing. well this song is a bit special. i don't usually check out a person/band's new song right after they released a news about their new songs, but this time, i just did. so i checked out the song, it is named "Six Degrees of Separation"  and it goes like the lyric below

You've read the books, 
You've watched the shows, 
What's the best way no one knows, yeah, 
Meditate, get hypnotized. 
Anything to take from your mind. 
But it won't go 

You're doing all these things out of desperation, 
Ohhh woah, 
You're going through six degrees of separation. 

You hit the drink, you take a toll 
Watch the past go up in smoke. 
Fake a smile, yeah, lie and say that, 
I'm better now than ever, and your life's okay 
Well it's not. No 
You're doing all these things out of desperation, 
Ohhh woah, 
You're going through six degrees of separation. 

First, you think the worst is a broken heart 
What's gonna kill you is the second part 
And the third, is when your world splits down the middle 
And fourth, you're gonna think that you fixed yourself 
Fifth, you see them out with someone else 
And the sixth, is when you admit that you may have messed up a little. 

(No, no, there ain't no help, it's every man for himself) 

You tell your friends, yeah, strangers too, 
Anyone'll throw an arm around you, yeah 
Tarot cards 
Gems and stones, 
Believing all that shit is gonna heal your soul. 
We'll it's not, no 

You're only doing things out of desperation, 
Ohhh woah, 
You're goin' through six degrees of separation. 

First, you think the worst is a broken heart 
What's gonna kill you is the second part 
And the third, Is when your world splits down the middle 
And fourth, you're gonna think that you fixed yourself 
Fifth, you see them out with someone else 
And the sixth, is when you admit that you may have messed up a little. 

No there's no starting over, 
Without finding closure, 
You'd take them back, 
No hesitation, 
That's when you know you've reached the sixth degree of separation 

No there's no starting over, 
Without finding closure, 
You'd take them back, 
No hesitation, 
That's when you know you've reached the sixth Degree of separation 

First, you think the worst is a broken heart 
What's gonna kill you is the second part 
And the third, Is when your world splits down the middle 
And fourth, you're gonna think that you fixed yourself 
Fifth, you see them out with someone else 
And the sixth, is when you admit that you may have messed up a little.

i don't know why, i feel like the lyrics are talking to me. maybe i do feel sad and pain and emotional all the time because i'm going through the six degree of separation? maybe i'm really doing things out of desperation? that's why i'm demanding something else from other people all the time? maybe it's a sign that i should not be desperate in many things in my life? especially in all my relationships? i saw this in Twitter yesterday, "If you aren't happy being single you will never be happy in a relationship. Get you own life and love it first, then share it." probably desperation is the root of all my problems. maybe i should just let go of certain things, bit by bit...

Just my recent feelings.

haven't been writing for so long, i miss writing so much...

i'm exhausted! had never been so busy like this before, as i work and study for 7 days a week now! 

Monday work, Tuesday classes, Wednesday class and work, Thursday class and scholarship duty, Friday work, Saturday work, Sunday work... 

oh ya, and also meetings in between those classes for the club, assignments, etc...

my life is all about eat, sleep, work, study, and meetings now... and occasionally meeting up some friends during lunch or dinner time... i feel tired. 

i have never been so busy for so many weeks in my life before. if i had this situation years ago, i think i would have end up burnout and gone into depression. now, i'm feeling so hyper everyday, and this is weird. it's like i am excited to finish my work but i just have not enough energy... this schedule has changes me a lot. i'm even anticipating to go to class nowadays, that's WOW, for me... i'm a lazy girl...i don't like to go to class, but this time it's different. and my mood, i feel like i don't even bother any things that will make me unhappy anymore. how to summarize this? STRESS makes me motivated? hahaha

is this normal? i don't know... but what i just wish to have now is a good sleep everyday and wake up with good skin. :) bye, i'm gonna start writing again when i'm free...


when things make you too busy, learn to set priorities. :)

How To Be So "High" Like Me?

okay first of all, when i talk to you guys happily and compliment you, i mean it.
i'm not drunk, maybe sometimes i am, so please don't ask me whether i am drunk anot when i say good words. APPRECIATE IT please... coz you'll never get those words anymore when i'm really in bad mood. hahaha

so, how to be so "high" and happy? (at least for some period), coz there's no such thing like forever happiness lah as you know.

1. don't take things too seriously. (lecturers, friends, family, roommates, whoever can make you angry, but you don't have to take things too seriously, coz they'll die eventually, sounds so bad, but it's true!)

2. don't angry for too long. (if it's not going to change things, make sure you don't angry for too long coz it will make you feel really sick, like i used to. no appetite, no mood, bla bla bla, you don't want that.)

3. watch SPORTS and be supportive! (this is a must, for me. where else can you shout like a mad person and be so aggressive except watching sports, especially live one! it feels so good cheering for your fav sportsmen or your fav team, trust me)

Hockey

Kaka from Football

Lee Chong Wei from Badminton

4. eat and shit. (eating good and nice food makes me feel good! and the even better feeling is when you pass out yesterday's food and accept new food again. wow, that's why chefs exist!)

5. cuddle in your blanket everyday. (like a teddy bear hugging you)

6. imagine you're in love. ( yah this sounds a bit crazy bit eventually you will really feel the love there, somewhere there hehehhe)

7. sleep well. (like a dead fish and wake up excitingly)

8. smile and laugh to whatever you think it's happy and funny. :)


9. don't watch too much of sad dramas. it will affect your emotion.

10. meet more people, more old friends, and do things you like. (like the duty i just went. it feels so good knowing i don't have to just study as a student)

ok i guess that's all. i hope this works for you too... :) (i'm sober)

Reasons behind my "SIAO" attitude

people always say i'm siao (crazy), i don't really understand why. is it because i laugh more than usual, and keep laughing and laughing? or because i'm too neurotic and i do things out of norm, like what people say, ikut mood in Bahasa Melayu. ahhh but i don't care la, coz the Siao mood keeps me high and happy. like people drinking beer all the time and taking drugs all the time. hahaha. but i think there are some things that i've done which are different from others that's why they said i'm crazy.

i don't like people to cry in front of me, that's why i don't cry in front of others. this is very sad, but i love crying alone. sounds so pathetic huh? you know, when people cry in front of me, i don't know how to react. hug them, kiss them, tell them everything will be alright? errrr, it's so hard for me to do that because i always switch my attention to many different things in a short period of time. so, DO NOT cry in front of me, unless it's necessary. don't make me cry as well, so shy. thank you.

i like to laugh for no reason. that's FALSE la. of course i laugh for reasons. it's just that i'm not going to tell that reason to anyone. i always have something in my mind and i make a story about it that's why i laugh about it. i will be a very bad person if i tell you what i just thought. hehehe! ehhh but i don't have bad intention ok? i just love to connect things and make them look funny, at least to me.

i love seeing people getting more ANGRY than me. you know why? because when a person is angry and he/she can't control their emotion, they will start acting like an insane person. so let's say i'm angry now, so i complain, blablbalbalblaa, suddenly, there's another person who got more angry than you because of what you said or other reasons, it can actually make your anger disappear PoooooFFF just like that. then when you start seeing what they do when they are angry, it is actually quite funny. but, don't tell them about that la, this will make them kill you~~~~~ try that, put yourself out of the situation then everything seems to be so funny, that's why i laughed! plus, seeing people getting more insane than me is a good thing la, coz i know at least there's certain times that people will see me as "NORMAL".

i am always joking about everything. why so serious my darlings?
life is so short, if you spend everyday talking about serious things when will you start laughing? i do admit that sometimes when i do things very selamba la, but that's my way of treating my life what... you can't say that i am not treating things seriously, coz i might do it very seriously but i just SOUND like i'm making fun of it. again, i just don't like people to be too serious.

okay i guess that's why i am INSANE to some people. but, nevermind, just don't forget to be like me sometimes. :) like Hakuna Matata!!!