You will be missed... Ma Ma

i woke up around 11am today... the day was a bit cloudy.
i was a bit busy sending emails to my lecturer, and i received a call from my brother.
it was 2.16 pm, and i was thinking why my brother call me at that time.
brother said dad called him just now. it was about my ma-ma (babysitter), she passed away...
few days ago mom did told me about her illness. both her kidneys were already failed to function and her legs were swelling. so when i go back to Kuantan during sem break she'll bring me to meet ma-ma again.
i thought she could wait a little bit longer until i go back. now that ma-ma left, i feel a bit sad, as i haven't seen her for the last time. dad said she'll be buried in Kelantan, so i hope i could go and pay respect when i visit Kelantan.

my ma-ma took care of me since i was very little, two years old i guess. we had a lot of fun and one of the strongest memory i had with her was this funny scene. she asked me and my younger brother to drink and do the gulp sound. she demonstrated it to us. i also remember my brother used to shit in his pants, but she didn't scold us, instead she talked to us nicely. she's a really nice woman, i don't remember any time that she got angry actually... such a sweet lady.

This is my ma-ma and the happy me :D

after ma-ma stop taking care of us and went back to Kelantan, i haven't seen her for a long long time. i couldn't get used to going kindergarten and i cried every morning. she just made me feel so safe, and fun staying home. my mom and ma-ma's daughters said i was the apple of her eyes as she didn't have any granddaughter yet that time. she sayang me so much! all these pictures when i was young were taken from her album that she kept it with her all the time.

mom told me that ma-ma was a bit sick during this year's CNY, and all of us went to visit her at ma-ma's daughter house. she was so happy and keep laughing non stop. and she brought out all the old pictures and joke about them (we used to be very naughty, and my bro was really fat) haha...

Ma-ma's little granddaughter has grown up!

this doll was made specially for me by ma-ma. i'm a blissful kid ain't i? the most precious gift from a person who doesn't have any bloodline with me. :)

ma-ma, i hope you're living in peace in heaven. and i will really miss you. thanks for taking care of me like my own grandmother :') I Love You!

To Mr. Inspiration

i just had something to say to you, but i don't know how to begin with, so i wrote it down instead...

in my life, there're some people who can really inspired me and influence me, and one of them is YOU... this is rare. well, not to say that i liked you before this so i think you inspired me, but it's because of your character itself that makes me inspired. i had no reason to tell you why i'm inspired by you, but i know some of the reasons i couldn't tell because it's about a guy who hurt me a lot in my life.

i was a girl who desperately wanting to be loved, and i was afraid to be lonely, still a lil bit like that till now though...i would do anything just to keep my partner happy, and i'll listened to him so that he could just stay by my side. but the more i did that, the more i felt like i was not being appreciated... and there came all the resentful feelings towards him, and i'll still go back to him somehow. feeling helpless... all because i'm afraid to be lonely...so i just listened to my EX.

many once told me this, "Hui Chien, just let him go, don't bother him anymore, don't contact him anymore" etc. it's easy to be said, but it's really hard to be done, just so you know... and i'm really scared coz i've been that way for few years! however, few months ago, i met you... things started to change... to a good side. (if it sounds to cliche i'm so sorry heehee)

i could somehow feel that your words are very motivating. the way you spoke is different, maybe you don't sound like you're blaming like others did. you've heard about all the problems i used to had with the EX, and what you really said that awakened me was the most annoying words i've ever heard in my life. you said something about what i did is not worth the value i had for myself something like that. i was really really angry at you, but i started to think back, maybe it's true... maybe i wasn't respecting myself all this while...

i used to be a happy girl, don't give a fuck on whatever people did, don't care about what people might think and i just love hanging out with my friends so much. and i've changed completely throughout that two years, that two dysfunctional years, because of a man. kinda disappointed with myself, for making myself fall into this state, but what's past is not going to be the future. still recovering from that memory.

i don't know whether you are reading this, but i really wanna thank you for waking me up. thank you for your influence. thank you for making me realize how high value i need to put for myself. don't know what will happen in the future but for now i'm gonna take control of myself. still feel a bit embarrassed though that you forced me to admit that i like you, i hated you for that. should never be so stupid to admit anything to you anymore, lesson learned, haha. i just hope we could hang out like we used to again, relaxing friendship time. just don't relate yourself to my ex again, i don't like you to remind me of him, and you guys are not the same person after all. :) miss you, inspirational friend.

pls don't forget about the scuba diving plan next year! i've been waiting for it for YEARS!!! weee!

How To Be So "High" Like Me?

okay first of all, when i talk to you guys happily and compliment you, i mean it.
i'm not drunk, maybe sometimes i am, so please don't ask me whether i am drunk anot when i say good words. APPRECIATE IT please... coz you'll never get those words anymore when i'm really in bad mood. hahaha

so, how to be so "high" and happy? (at least for some period), coz there's no such thing like forever happiness lah as you know.

1. don't take things too seriously. (lecturers, friends, family, roommates, whoever can make you angry, but you don't have to take things too seriously, coz they'll die eventually, sounds so bad, but it's true!)

2. don't angry for too long. (if it's not going to change things, make sure you don't angry for too long coz it will make you feel really sick, like i used to. no appetite, no mood, bla bla bla, you don't want that.)

3. watch SPORTS and be supportive! (this is a must, for me. where else can you shout like a mad person and be so aggressive except watching sports, especially live one! it feels so good cheering for your fav sportsmen or your fav team, trust me)

Hockey

Kaka from Football

Lee Chong Wei from Badminton

4. eat and shit. (eating good and nice food makes me feel good! and the even better feeling is when you pass out yesterday's food and accept new food again. wow, that's why chefs exist!)

5. cuddle in your blanket everyday. (like a teddy bear hugging you)

6. imagine you're in love. ( yah this sounds a bit crazy bit eventually you will really feel the love there, somewhere there hehehhe)

7. sleep well. (like a dead fish and wake up excitingly)

8. smile and laugh to whatever you think it's happy and funny. :)


9. don't watch too much of sad dramas. it will affect your emotion.

10. meet more people, more old friends, and do things you like. (like the duty i just went. it feels so good knowing i don't have to just study as a student)

ok i guess that's all. i hope this works for you too... :) (i'm sober)

Popo, I Miss You

last Sunday, i went to work but it was lunch time, so i went to buy a pizza in Jusco. there's an old lady who didn't really know how to speak in BM so she seek help from me. she wanted a hawaiian chicken and a tuna pizza. so i helped her until she paid the bill. i asked her, "are you buying these back home?" she said, yeah, i wanna buy them for my grandchildren, they love pizzas. she made me think of my popo.

my popo is not here anymore. probably she's at some beautiful country in the heaven now. she used to buy food for me too, then she will say, "when you know how to earn money, then you belanja me makan ok?" she always cooked nice food like Hainan kuih, bi pang gong, and all those dishes with pork, chicken, bla bla bla. owh yah, she can really cook nice Hainan chicken rice, erm, coz she's from Hainan Island?

i cried whenever i miss her. but i didn't drop a tear during her funeral, coz i personally think it's not good to weep everyday in front of her coffin. plus, i really felt angry that few days too because of some stupid aunties. don't wanna talk about it, they're just a bunch of double-faced snake.

i remember i treated her very badly when i was younger. in fact, i treat everyone badly. i hit everyone and i didn't listen, and i shouted to everyone that tried to command me. hated her so much that time, but it was quite fun playing all around and got beaten up sometimes. childhood times, who never get scoldings or some whips from the rattan they hid on the cupboard? hahaha. as i grow older, i still did that to her, and everyone. that's my rebellious period. no one can control me. of course, in my house, we don't show love like other families. she might feel that we don't really treat her like others do, but we do love her. she'll complain and compare us with other kids that she had but we don't really care. there's no need to show off to get your love.

then, i grew older again. i don't really fool her around anymore. instead, i love her cooking, and whenever i'm at her house, she'll buy breakfast for us, nasi minyak with kuah daging, i love it the most. she walked to the stall early in the morning to buy them. and in the evening, she'll ask me or my bro to go to the supermarket behind called Astaka to buy things. and we will use a small road as a shortcut. whenever she passed by the road, there's a lot of pak cik lepak there. she'll tell them that, "ni cucu saya" ;) she'll proudly say that. hahaha.

i once talked to her about boyfriend. and she said, find a European bf. i guess that's her dream because the Europeans were really rich in older times. that's the funniest thing that she had ever said to me. and, whenever i'm naughty, she'll still hug me and kiss me with her cold-wrinkled skin. i love her so much..

i hope you're doing fine, popo. i miss you.